abused

Domestic Abuse Helpline

for men & women

ARE YOU BEING ABUSED?

Questions that may help a person decide if he/she is in an abusive relationship:

Do you often doubt your own judgment or wonder if you are crazy?

Are you often afraid of your partner?

Do you express your opinions less and less freely?

Have you developed fears of other people?

Do you tend to see others less often?

Do you ask your partner's permission to spend money, take classes, or socialize with friends?

Do you spend a lot of time watching for your partner's bad and not-so-bad moods before bringing up a subject?

Think about if these statements fit you:

I am frightened of my partner's temper.

I am often compliant because I am afraid to hurt my partner's feelings.

I am often afraid of my partner's anger.

I have the urge to rescue my partner because my partner is troubled.

I have been hit, kicked, shoved, punched, bit, spit at or had things thrown at me by my partner when he/she was jealous or angry.

I find myself apologizing to him/her or to others for his/her behavior when he/she has treated me badly.

I make decisions about activities and friends based on what my partner wants or how my partner will react.

My partner drinks or uses drugs.

Why men won't tell:

Many men cope with being abused by taking on a macho "I can handle it" attitude. Even if you have been hurt much worse than on an athletic playing field, that is not the same thing as being physically attacked by your intimate partner, which hurts emotionally as well as physically. Allowing this pattern to continue can result in depression, substance abuse, loss of confidence, even suicide.

Men typically face a greater degree of disbelief and ridicule than do most women in this situation, which helps enforce the silence. Domestic violence victims make excuses for injuries that show ("It was an accident" or "it happened while playing sports") when friends or medical personnel ask about them. Abusers are expert at making victims feel no one is on their side, which is a self-fulfilling prophecy -- the more you withdraw from friends and family to protect your partner, the less other people will be able to help you by confirming your experiences.

Reasons why someone might stay in an abusive relationship:

Financial: "S/He handles all the household finances...my name isn't even on the checking account." - "I haven't worked in years because I have stayed home with the children. Where could I find a job that would give us enough money to survive on?"

Fear: Abusers use threats to keep their victims in relationships. - "S/He told me over and over that if I leave terrible things will happen." - "He said no matter where I go he will find me and kill me."

Normal: "My father abused my mother and she never left him so I grew up believing it was a normal part of a relationship.

Shame: "What will people think if they knew I let a woman beat up on me?" - "I don't want to be laughed at." - "No one would believe me."

Self worth: I probably deserved it.

Denial: I can handle it, it’s not that bad OR All I have to do is leave the house until she

cools down OR It’s PMS; the kids are giving her a hard time.

Reluctance to give up the good: She is a really creative, or loving, or wonderful person

most of the time OR She didn’t mean it.

Inertia: It’s too hard to do anything about it OR I’m not ready to change my life OR I’ll

deal with it later.

For immediate assistance, call 888-7HELPLINE